*Live thought process in action*
OK – I need to write this… Where’s the coffee… no way I am STILL hungover from last Friday. Check yo self, Al. Get it together, girlfriend.
So. You had a little fun last night. What do you do when you find yourself at the bottom of the bottle one night, and face down on the toilet seat the next morning? First of all, been there. Done that. If you are a former party girl like me, then you probably know exactly what I’m talking about… you’ve left the cheek imprint of NARS Laguna Bronzer on the porcelain seat a time or two. If not, then you are probably one of those freak-a-leaks of nature who never-god-ever over indulges and/or has never had the life changing, joyous experience of a life crippling hangover… in which case, screw you, Lucy.
Well then, how do you begin un-doing the questionable life choices you made at your office’s extended happy hour. The honest answer is you can’t. And I hate to the bish-bearer of bad news, but you can’t actually “cure” a hangover either. Now wait a second! Don’t go! Don’t be disappointed! Life is full of disappointments. I.e. Were you really that shocked that your Bumble date didn’t turn out to be your soul mate? Or that your middle-class fancy dinner to the neighborhood Applebee’s was a taste palate let down? Come on now.
With age comes experience, and with experience comes knowledge. And this little subject right here happens to be one that I un-regrettably happen to have a bad-girl phD in (but lesbi-real, those stories won’t be dinner table talk for the future spawns of our loins). So let me share with you the do’s and don’ts I’ve learned when it comes to bouncing back from the tornado disaster you left your life in last night. Here we go…
S L E E P L A T E
First of all, ask yourself this: Do you have the option to sleep a few more hours? If you’re answer is yes, turn off the bloody alarm, take off your bra, and get your slutty butt back to bed. NOW. Rest is one of the best things you can do to ease a hangover. But for most of us, sleeping in is a long gone, very missed, distant memory. If you don’t have the option to sleep in til 10AM like a twenty year-old soro-stitute, please proceed to Step 1.
E R A D I C A T E
Time to purge. I know what you’re thinking. Purge? You mean, like puke? Again, you’re thinking “No way, Rosé.” Trust me honey, I know. And I’m sorry. And my real phD friend (Hi, Bay!) might come back and smack me in the tit for this, but I wouldn’t solicit this advice unless I meant it. Sometimes the worst thing you can do, is also the best thing you can do. Where you might not be able to get the smell of Camel Lights out of your hair or your new shirt, you might be able to get some of that Jack and Jim out of your stomach. A lot of times when we’re hungover, we focus so hard on NOT getting sick that we forget to realize our bodies are acting sick for a reason. That sh*t needs to come out (and I don’t mean literal sh*t, but sometimes that happens too… Hey – no one’s judging here).
So try and woman up and pull that trigger. Eradicating your body of the alcohol gut slushy you’ve got going on right now, could put you on the road to recovery much faster. Oh and erhm… Brush your teeth afterwards, cause I mean… that sh*t gross. (That’s your freebie, in-between step called “C O L G A T E”).
H Y D R A T E
Now that I’ve scared you all off with my advice to go gag yourself… this next one should be a no brainer: Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Water, Gatorade, some form of green stinky kale juice… it doesn’t matter. What matters is getting the electrolytes back into your body. Whether you purged intentionally or not, you are going to be super dehydrated. Start with taking baby sips of something cold. If you happen to plan ahead, or have access to a fridge where small children live (wow, that sounds creepy and kinda pedophile-y, but trust me I’m getting to a point here…) try Pedialyte. Even better, try a Pedialyte Popsicle. Then you can suck on a hydrating popsicle just like the big baby that you are right now.
OH, and quick tip – I know some people prefer straws in their drinks, but I actually advise against this right now. Reason being is that with a straw, you’re sucking (you dirty ho) in extra air into your already super uneasy, super gassy belly. Never thought of that? Uh-huh, told ya’ll I knew what I was talking about… sometimes. Another don’t in this category is drinking coffee, cokes, or other sugary dranks. Coffee will come later love, don’t your worry your caffeinated little heart. The reason I say no to these three is because the last thing you need to do right now is dehydrate yourself more. Caffeine is a diuretic, and it WILL dehydrate you more. You also don’t want to load your gut up with a bunch of sugar that will ultimately add to the system crash your body is currently experiencing.
And if you have the option to get hydration pumped directly into your veins via IV, by all means DO IT (I hope that doesn’t mean you somehow landed your DA in the ER). But we will talk IVs more veryyy soon.
F I X A P L A T E
Now that you’ve got some liquids back into that sexy, sinful body of yours, the next best thing you can do is try to get a little something on your stomach with sustenance. I’m talking a piece of toast, an English muffin, hell, a butter biscuit if carbs really are your best friends (in which case, no fair and I hate you). Just kidding, all love here. But seriously, if you’re like me and carb is a four-letter word for you, try fruit.
Slices of cold watermelon are a GREAT go-to hangover food, not to mention it’s called watermelon for a reason. There is a TON of water in watermelon. Just look at all the juicy hydration. YASSS, queen!! OK – not quite ready for that energy yet. Other good options are honeydew melon and cantaloupe. I love me some pineapple for hydrating fruits, but steer clear for now. The acidity in pineapple will likely upset your tender tummy.
M E D I C A T E
Wondering why I’m force feeding you right now? Because I want to give you medicines that will make your pitiful little life all better… well sort of. Now, I’m not a medical professional (resident marketing pro here, remember?), so I’m not going to give you actual medical advise. But what I’m going to do is tell you what I take when I’m in recovery mode:
- When I feel like I’ve been hit by a MAC Truck: ALEVE. But why Aleve specifically you ask? From the research I’ve done (and I’ve done quite a bit), anti-inflammatory pain killers, like Aleve, seem to have the best clinical results. Take two of this OTC pill to help ease the head and body aches. And if you weren’t to white-girl wasted to plan ahead, take two before going to bed to start alleviating the hangover before the sun and the regret-level rises.
- When the room won’t stop spinning out of control: DRAMAMINE. But that’s for motion sickness, Al? YUPP, you bet you bish-arse it is. And that is exactly what you are feeling every time you lay your pretty little head down and the room becomes a Tilt-A-Whirl. This stuff is a goddess-send. But PS – Dramamine can sometimes back you up, if you know what I mean… which might not actually be a bad thing given your situation right now.
- When my stomach hates me more than Bella probably hates Selena: PEPCID. This stuff is great if you are feeling a different kind of post brown-liquor upset stomach.
- When I want to feel better about my ‘adult’ life choices: OLLY MULTI-VITAMINS. I mean… getting some extra vitamins in your system can’t hurt your case right now, can it?
Full disclosure, any time you are medicating, you should double check any prescription or OTC meds for interaction. Or if you’re super concerned, ask your doctor. Srsly.
C A F F E I N A T E
If you’re a caffeine addict like me, your head will start to split in two if you don’t get some coffee stimulation stat. Now that you’ve completed Steps 1-4, you can start putting your big girl panties back on and move onto sipping some Joe (if you woke up next to a guy named Joe, than this is ho-lariously ironic.. and hurry up and get TF out before his roommates wake up… unless your married, in that case, stay and snuggle).
But real talk, hopefully by now your stomach is starting to settle and you can handle the ‘light’ acidity and total basic-ness of an Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte. I’d recommend sticking with blonde brews for now. The weaker flavored body of a blonde brew might be easier on the tum-tum for now. Totally not throwing shade at blondes here, I’ve paid a lot of extra money to look like you in the past.
And whatever you do, don’t go for the Red Bull. Energy drinks are never that great of an idea to begin with, and especially not a good idea when you’ve got a bad case of the wine flu.
P E R S P I R A T E
You’re ability to complete this step will be 100% determined by the level of your hangover. If you spent the night sleeping next to the toilet, you’re probably not going to feel up to hanging out downward doggie style in a hot yoga class. And fair enough.
But if you’ve been able to successfully complete Steps 1-5 so far, a 30-min sweat sesh could sincerely do you some good. I recommend a good 20-30 minutes on an elliptical (moderate tension) followed by 10 min deep stretch sesh. This will help to loosen the muscle tension you’re feeling and let your body sweat out some of the toxins that took up residency in your liver last night.
Afraid your hangover stank is too much for the group-ex instructor to handle? Not ready to face the outside world just yet? That’s not an excuse, you can get your wanna-be-fit-girl on at home too. I recommend Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown. There’s nothing like a little Jill-pill to kick your unmotivated, post-inebriated arse back into gear.
I R R I G A T E
If you were unable to to complete Step 6 and you had to skip straight to Step 7, that’s OK, we can’t always be winners. Goddess forgives you. But lucky for you, you can still get your detox sweat on in a little place called the bathroom. Sometimes a good long hot soak or super steamy shower can still give you the sauna detox affect you’re looking for. Now be careful, you’re still a little dehydrated. You don’t want to go getting to hot and pass out on the bathroom floor, again. That would be no bueno, big problemo.
Cleansing off can you give a literal and metaphorical feeling of washing away all your bad decisions. I once had a boss tell me “If you wake up and feel like sh*t, and you really feel like you can’t make it in today… Just get your ass in the shower and then reevaluate yourself.” OK, Corey. Truth. And hey – sometimes an ice cold splash will do the trick. Getting hit with a blast of icy water might just sober you right up. Personally, I’m a fan of the steam. But hungover or not, I love to give myself a shock of super freaking cold water at the end of my shower. Huge plus, it makes your skin look tighter and your hair shinier. Free fun beauty hacks for you and you and you *insert Oprah meme*.
C O M M U N I C A T E
Now this doesn’t quite go along with the self-care theme we’ve got going on here, but it’s a topic that must be covered. Sometimes we not only have to recover the physical damage from last night, but also the emotional damage of last night. Maybe you said something unintentionally derogatory to your SO? Maybe you cock-blocked a sex-drought-ed bestie? Maybe you just had a series of unfortunate ho-ments? Whatever you did or didn’t do, you’ve got to start handing out the “I’m sorry for what I did when I was drunk” cards ASAP. Don’t let any animosity towards others OR yourself brew to long. The hangover guilt feeling is rough enough with or without knowing if you did something hurtful and/or stupid. Your real friends will forgive you and you gotta forgive yourself too. And honestly, the best thing you can do is laugh it off, be self-aware, and know that feelings are just thoughts and they only exist in your head. YOU ARE OK. K?
P O T A T E
And lastly for everyone’s favorite thing to do during a hangover crisis, potate. That’s right bishes, this IS a Step: Be. a. couch. tater. You are welcome. If you were able to complete Steps 1-8, I sincerely applaud you. You deserve this. I hope by now you feel a little better, but like I said, there is no true “cure” for a hangover, only ways to try and recover. And sometimes the best medicine is piling up with a furry blanky and snuggling with your Apple TV remote. So go ahead, binge watch that new season of Game of Thrones or re-watch (for the tenth time) that episode of Friends where Ross cheats on Rachel. “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” No, Ross. No. You weren’t.
• • • • • • • •
I hope you found these 9 Steps to Hangover Recovery helpful for either your current situation or to better prep for a possible future inevitable situation. Maybe you already do these things or some form of these steps when recovering from our ho ways. However you bounce back, remember you’re a boss b*tch and nothing shakes your game. And although these hangovers seem to get worse and worse every year, the ability to have some self-discipline slowly gets better. Key word there was SLOWLY.
If you want to hear more about a recovering from a hangover “extra” style, tune in Monday for our follow-up post on our first time getting a very extra, very boujee hangover IV. Yes, girl. I’ll tell you all about what it’s like and the tips to get the most out of your experience. Oh! And how you can get it paid for, FO’ FREE.
See you next time!
xo, your gal-pal, Al
PS – As always, we would love to hear from you! If you have any life hacks for preventing hangovers or more tricks for hangover “cures”, please leave your tips or thoughts in the comment section below!